First, let me say I am grateful that my story reached someone and comforted their soul. I actually wrote To Whom It May Concern back in 2003. I was at a low point in my life after that ordeal and found that the only way to release my pain was to write down my feelings and to speak positive things into my life. Now that I look back I can actually say that I thank God for taking me through that with him because from it I learned to never stop living your life for someone else. I learned that it is ok to love and not be loved in return because when you find that person that really does love you back you recognize him and love him even harder than you loved the one you felt broke your heart. Jane Seymour said it best when she said “if your heart is always open it can never be broken.” I stand by her quote and feel this deep in my heart. The man that came into my life after I felt this guy had taken it and thrown it away will now and forever always be in my heart.
J. Montgomery, I am choosing to use his initials for his own privacy, came out of nowhere and showed me that you can first be friends with a man and not have to be intimate with him. He also showed me that there are men out there who love you truly and want nothing but the best for you and for you to be who you are and not what they are trying to make you be! He taught me that if they need to change me, then they never really wanted me to begin with. On my 28th birthday that man gave me a sterling heart, he gave me my heart back and told me to never let anyone take what God gave me. I still have that heart to this day and when I feel like my heart is slowly drifting into someone else’s hands I take it out and hold it close to me and speak those words over and over again until the feeling subsides. He served his purpose in my life and just like a flick of a switch he was gone; gone from my presence but always in my heart.
I also fell in love with another woman’s husband. Don’t get it twisted I know what I did was wrong and at one point I regretted it but now looking back I am grateful for it because it gave both of us an understanding. I understand now that I can never give my heart to a man who gave his away long before we met. He juggled us both for 3 years and at one point I truly believed he would leave her….but then all hell broke loose in my life. I was traveling down a road of self destruction and had nowhere to go. I went to God though and I asked him to make me over and take this man from me. I would get up and go to church faithfully but then come home and lay with this married man once again. We eventually decided mutually that we were both living in hell and that nothing could ever come from what we were doing. Again, I found myself giving my heart away to someone that could truly never love me in return. So one day this man introduced me to the next man.
The next man turned out to be my best friend to this day. He approached me with more honesty than I ever thought possible could come from a man. He let me know from the jump that he already had a team of hoes but he could squeeze in one more if I was worth it. I didn’t realize it at the time but I had so little self esteem that I chose to deal with what he was dishing out instead of standing up for my morals and saying no. I dealt with the late night creeps, calls and other issues. But from all of this he taught me that if a man can’t be honest with you and love you then he didn’t need to be with you….enters the friendship. I fell in love with this man as a friend and I fell in love with our friendship. To this day this man is still honest with me but he is saved now and he is truly the man who saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life along with God. God sent this man into my life back in 2005 to make sure that we are the best of friends now in order for me to hear the message he had for me.
I said all of that to say that my heart was bruised but not broken and I have learned to love again as Joss Stone says. I have a man in my life now that will never leave me nor forsake me. He loves me with all my flaws and impurities. He is the only man I see at this point and the only man that I know truly has my back at all costs……GOD! I know I will love again and I will be grateful for that man when he comes along. What I have said here is only a small fraction of what I have been through in my life where men are concerned; but again I am grateful for every one of them. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD.” Proverbs 18:22 So for now until he stops and asks for directions….. I’m single, saved and content.
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