Chris Brown & Rihanna

I had never heard of nor every seen photos of Chris Brown & Rihanna before 2 days ago. The recent incident has pulled me to reflect on domestic abuse. The search warrant description of the infamous incident is graphic and horrific.

My high school sweetheart, second relationship, and present wife were victims of my domestic abuse. No more then ten incidents happen between these three women in 30 years. I would not describe myself as a chronic abuser, however, I was arrested for two incidents.  One abuse, one to many.

There is not one acceptable moment that a man should hit a woman, shove a woman, emotionally degrade a woman, or intimidate a woman. Chronic abuse destroy everyone involved. My father never hit my mother. However he was dead before I started dating; alive he would have guided me better.

Men who hit women are afraid. All violence has fear underneath. What we fear we attempt to destroy. Its not the woman that’s the focus of the fear but she’s the target. Men become afraid to discuss their fears mainly because they pretend to be so courageous. So they bottle up their emotions until they explode, sometimes in the form of domestics violence and worst murder.

Love does not throw punches, shoves, verbal humiliation or intimidation. At the heart of each of my violence episodes was fear. Rather through aggressive statements from my partner or perceived miscarriage of justice I was afraid. Violence was the only form to protect my frighten ego at times. Hurt, I struck out with violence. I was foolish and stupid.

My upbringing breed violence responses to the slightest altercation. If you did not fight you were considered weak, soft. I took childhood survival tactics into my adult life. After an attempted murder incident in 2005, I sought to cure myself.  Since 3/2007 I remain in treatment for anger management, clinical depression, self-esteem and substance dependence. You find domestic violence you find some if not all these symptoms.

The thought of every touching a woman seems outrageous now. Even using violence on others is out of the question. Violence was such a part of my life, it came with the air that I inhaled. Out of touch with spirituality, my spirit was dead. I was evil.  Sad commentary for such a good nature person.

Help Someone

  • If a man’s abusing you and he does not seek treatment, he will kill you one day. Find somewhere to go and do not go back! Save your damn self! Your Love is misguided if you think he’ll change for you. He has to change himself, and acceptance is the first step. You may be hindering healing for both.

  • If you are a man that know of someone who abuses women and you have done nothing, you are not courageous, I don’t give a damn what you do for a living or your age. He will eventually destroy his life, hers and everyone around him. You supported their demise with your silence.

  • If you are a man that has found a new life without domestic violence. Go tell someone about your journey. Be courageous. Men hide to much, they talk big game of God, Love, Family but keep things in the dark concerning themselves.  They’d rather hear someone’s else testimony.

Invisible Dragon