A exploration of spiritual stillness, 30 day fast of reading, studying and practicing the 26th verse of Tao Te Ching. (Living Calmly) The month long spiritual exercise in accepting and being gracious for what lies ahead.  Being a avid hack writer, I’ll post 30 days consecutively, thoughts on “Being Content.” Poems, exercises, take-home assignments, etc.

prisoner

“prisoner || prigioniero” – by remuz

Day 19, Mental Lock Down

I had to write a summary for my Biology class and this broke my pattern. I got my meditation in but did not read to get support on message today. Normally I would write the theme first but this morning I wrote the biology summary.

My theme for today, “I’m content that I don’t have mental lock down all the time.” If had done this maybe a few months ago my entire day would be screwed. I would not being able to accept this, it would have felt like betrayal. My anger would have consume my entire day, feeling a sense of a lost opportunity.

Attempting to control the next situations, my ego would have driven me temporarily insane, “I’ll show you,” show who?  I had this imaginary person or people always judging me.  I created this absurd psychology that I had to do everything in order, or I was less.

I had to succeed to feel any sort of contentment.  Fuck failure, it was for the weak and timid, the uninspired, I still feel the cancer sometimes.  so expressing how I went out of order and still live is a great accomplishment.

Mental addiction is as debilitating as a physical one. I had to be miserable, everything I erected was structured for success or failure and I didn’t want to fail. Shall I say, limited wisdom, I lead a dreaminess life; in fear constantly.

I’m careful to catch myself not to become motivated by fear. I would have feared that not getting my blog up first was a detriment to who I was as a person. Its all a great big lesson on the road between birth and death.

*****

Do you have things you discreetly fear? A pet peeve that sometimes consume your positive energy?

The Invisible Dragon

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