If you’re afraid of being grabbed by God, don’t look at a wall.
Definitely don’t sit still.
—Jiyu Kennett (Essential Zen)
The last few days have produced an undeniable realization. This past week I had two conversations that I perceived as well-intended going in, unfortunately both blew up in my face. It would waste time to discuss particulars, however, each recipients declared my engagement as egotistical and pretentious. They were right.
What went wrong?
My motives were Ego-Driven.
The discussions clocked in my fears and uncertainties about my life provoked unkind remarks. The talks doomed from the beginning because, I was not aware of my ego’s intentions.
Irreconcilable Differences: Ego and Me
For years I was unable or unwilling to be transparent with myself. Although my body and spirit ache with pain I surged forward with blinders. To pause ,would be to admit spiritual helplessness and so I deliberately erected distractions to comfort that pain.
Most of my activities for nearly 25 years were counter-surveillance maneuvers against my false perceptions. Ego strives on separation, it keeps our thoughts in two states, the past (pain) or future (desires).
When we communicate we are representing our consciousness. When I assessed those conversations I realized my ego presented a half-truth, paramount to a lie. Underneath my spirit, fears, doubts, and uncertainty about my future. In the perverse realm of ego, “Let me help you” should have been, “Let me help myself.”
The Fear of the Unknown is not normal
The ego works from perceptions, perceptions are filtered through human senses. I perceived my wife and friend need my help. However it was my personal fears desiring (ego) their help (attachment). I wanted help in controlling my future. My ego was driving me again, I lost faith.
Ego is (1) fear and doubt (2) lives in the past and (3) lust for the future. A higher consciousness is of (God) truth and ego of (Man). How do you know which one is at work? If transparent love and harmony exist, God; if pain exist ego.
I am humble and thankful to those who help guide me to inner peace. However, attachments are attributes of ego, I must them let go, (Family, and Friends) so I can secure my spirit of peace.