My life use to resemble a chainsaw with a broken cut-off switch. I constantly buzzed with the thunder of a truck missing a muffler. Jumping from one thought to another in milliseconds. In addition, the foreign jargon I called speech, in reality was the soundtrack of a psychopathological lunatic. Sadly, the Dragon was a spirit without love, a nomadic appliance, a self-destructive, all-consuming bowl of mindlessness.
Being lost in illusions as I refer to it defines a person whom lack self-love. Often they remind us of a disruptive force driven by ‘slow suicidal’ actions (i.e., substance abuse, addictions, ego-driven, constant worrying). However, without shame, it was fear that denied me the ability to love myself. The demonized circus (mind) slowly and with precision was killing me. Sadly, however, with religious conviction, I sought its companionship over and over again.
High Flying Acts of Self-Destruction
To recite my fanatical escapades illustrated with clinical depression, substance abuse and risky behaviors would appear to create excuses. However, as pertinent as these factors were to my dissension, they receive a pardon with just cause. Subsequently, my spirit long sequestered, painted a silhouette of fear inside me as a teen. I cannot pinpoint the fear origination, but my spiritual restoration provided a pathology.
I never understood love. My conception of love was ill designed from adolescence. Regardless, however, this foreign agent (ego) bent on spiritual espionage, persuaded my divine implosion. Unfortunately, I was unable to uncover the covert operative before near total self-destruction. The inability to see love as a “verb” nearly cost me my life.
We operate from two emotions, love or fear. Our actions easily become translatable when we understand this premise. For instance, we cannot pain ourselves or another person and describe it as love. Regardless of blamable factors (i.e., addiction, selfishness, envy) love is an action that “never hurts.” As another example, when love ones do bizarre behaviors, irresponsible self-destructive acts, this is fear, it is a call for love and help. Absolutely, they are afraid and they do not know how to say it or save themselves.
Fear, the Great Deceiver
With that in mind, until they rid themselves of fear, tsunamis of unthinkable events will create mass self-destruction and repercussions. Our only thoughts, “How could they do this to me?” & “How could they do it to themselves?” Without question, it is the ultimate cry for help, an act of slow suicide is more appropriate. As we guess, fear kill without reason or just cause. It has nothing to do with the victim personally. It is a child, teen or adult crying out, “I am scared and I hate myself.”
The Dragon recites this account from personal experiences. Thus, it is not a formula or antidote one swallow easy. The brave walk this path; you cannot sneak into spiritual restoration lacking self-love. It is muddy-waters for sure and the clever individuals deepens into its quicksand. You cannot fake it (Love); it eventually cries out for help.