I lost an opportunity to help my children at an important time in their development. As you recall or maybe not, my mother had a dreadful childhood and subsequent life of only 46 years. A young mother at 13 she lacked normal life skills and demonstrated a fierce sense of survival. In essence, we were poor but in areas more vital than socioeconomic status and wealth.
I had a childhood marred with dysfunctional behaviors and maladaptive developmental stages. Often violence or the threat of viciousness was a communication tool for my era of adolescence. I would like to blame my mother and father, but it would not help. However, their lives were marred in spilt-second decisions of survival, I praise them however for their effort to get my siblings and I along as best possible. Nevertheless, my maladaptive habits soaked my psyche and rendered me abnormal. As a result, I ran away in my childhood to the form of violence, threat of violence or solitude.
Unfortunately I found myself high in this painful capital throughout my life. A reason? I had lost my guidance (e.g., father) when I was 15, much too early I would say. Thus, I was left to fend for myself personally and socially as a young adult. I did not fare well. Decisions were hasty and unmonitored by a trusted caregiver, I was often doomed with regrets for unsound choices. Sadly, my children were encapsulated in this dreadful era also fueled by depression, substance abuse, and outrageous risk-taking. It had a tremendous effect on them.
On a personal note, I find my children not using my old technique of communication, (I’m happy) but they lack adaptive behaviors in other stages of development. Worse, I am locked out after becoming a better person to help them. Three of them are now adults and their adult stages do not permit my tutelage; I’m isolated in a form of family relation poverty.
Moreover this prison I’m incarcerated in has forced me to witness their maladaptive development at times. It is a penalty of untold measures and pain. Sadly, I thought I could break the chain of behavioral abnormalities with my new consciousness but seemly evolution has discarded me. I missed the chance in their childhood it seems. You cannot go home as they say. I could blame myself but it would not help…
The Invisible Dragon