Holding on to ‘Something’

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I am holding on to “something,” what that something maybe I do not know.

However, I feel its tension in my daily affairs and my frustration

It grows with the mental constipation

My transformation may not begin until I discover

why and what “something” does to my mind

I hunger for a change from my old life

***

Am I afraid of “something”?  How do you discover fear hidden deep inside?

Well, at least I noticed my dilemma, unlike my previous life of denial

I faced nothing truthfully; however, this “something” is real

Something may be “expectations” Yes! Expectations

The dreaded process of what may happen scares me

Expectations from family, friends, and life

Conversely, I feel frustrated, it drains my spirit

And circumvents my growth, I hate to be honest

*****

Are we ever in the “moment”?  When we have expectations?

How does one accept the moment with expectations flooding the soul?

Do we not anticipate life?  Set goals? I feel lost without expectations

and stuck with them.  Expectations frustrate my psyche and I expect

one day they will not. (You see, there I go again)

Hopefully, I rid myself of my dreaded expectations,

So, I live in the moment.

Consequently, able to accept whatever happens will feel great,

Until then; I “expect” nothing, however “something” is out there.

The Invisible Dragon

On a Personal Note…

038I lost an opportunity to help my children at an important time in their development. As you recall or maybe not, my mother had a dreadful childhood and subsequent life of only 46 years. A young mother at 13 she lacked normal life skills and demonstrated a fierce sense of survival. In essence, we were poor but in areas more vital than socioeconomic status and wealth.

I had a childhood marred with dysfunctional behaviors and maladaptive developmental stages. Often violence or the threat of viciousness was a communication tool for my era of adolescence. I would like to blame my mother and father, but it would not help. However, their lives were marred in spilt-second decisions of survival, I praise them however for their effort to get my siblings and I along as best possible. Nevertheless, my maladaptive habits soaked my psyche and rendered me abnormal.  As a result, I ran away in my childhood to the form of violence, threat of violence or solitude.

Unfortunately I found myself high in this painful capital throughout my life. A reason? I had lost my guidance (e.g., father) when I was 15, much too early I would say. Thus, I was left to fend for myself personally and socially as a young adult.  I did not fare well. Decisions were hasty and unmonitored by a trusted caregiver, I was often doomed with regrets for unsound choices. Sadly, my children were encapsulated in this dreadful era also fueled by depression, substance abuse, and outrageous risk-taking. It had a tremendous effect on them.

On a personal note, I find my children not using my old technique of communication, (I’m happy) but they lack adaptive behaviors in other stages of development. Worse, I am locked out after becoming a better person to help them. Three of them are now adults and their adult stages do not permit my tutelage; I’m isolated in a form of family relation poverty.

Moreover this prison I’m incarcerated in has forced me to witness their maladaptive development at times. It is a penalty of untold measures and pain.  Sadly, I thought I could break the chain of behavioral abnormalities with my new consciousness but seemly evolution has discarded me. I missed the chance in their childhood it seems.  You cannot go home as they say.    I could blame myself but it would not help…

 

The Invisible Dragon

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A Joyful Life

life makes you

cryptic beats

slow soothing sound

a chorus of melody-togetherness

freedom, devotion

adversity, perseverance

***

hard, soft, up, down

life manifest in all situations

recoil not away, flames of instructions

chance of greatness

***

play with heart

toss high above heaven

as child with toy

have fun with it

***

–Robert Williams

Circle of Life.

I have begun to record information in the way which I live. A map or guide you could say of what I have discovered about my true self. These are brief explanations. Some are past behaviors with improvements, some are new. These words below are true and honest as my experiences dictated.

How about Me?

First and foremost, I take care of my true self, lest I perish. Denial of oneself is the road to self-destruction. A false me can not aid anyone. If I must deny you, to be me, this will be chosen. I would rather love by truth then false love with deception. Also, my soul can not be given to anyone, lest I forget who I am. We may join spirits together to create, but my soul is my own.

I will not deny caring for myself to become co-dependent with anyone. This activity only limits access to my true self and weaken me. Nevertheless, giving mutually is most inviting and beneficial because everyone becomes enhanced by the experience.

How about you?

My wife, children, siblings, friends, (Africa) my cat, live inside my circle of life. Taking time to care for them strengthens me and them. These relationships requires honesty and truthfulness. This is a must! Lies and deceit will damaged the relationship and render it useless. Nevertheless, I have present relationships that continue down this road of self-trickery.

A person not true to themselves; follies are visible from miles away. However, I will not break the rule of honesty and truthfulness to pleasure them. I give a dependable person in me; someone surely they could count on in any situations. My actions are who I am.

Who are You?

Treating people outside my circle requires respect also, which is in my true self. In interactions I seek respect and harmony with them. If respect is not return, harmony will not be achieved. Consequently, I do not treat disrespect with disrespect, I simply retreat to a space and leave them, peacefully. What may appear hard can only sometimes be guided with softness.

I love and treasure relationships of all kind. The openness to my heart does come with security measures. Until I have experience with such person I am on guard against emotions defining the relationship. In my past poor decisions have been made with this unsound technique. Knowing my true self and following the map of my experiences keep life’s situations in proper perspective, today.

This a few of my guidelines. My life to be continue…

Invisible Dragon

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My First Love by Emneequeen

ambers-head-shot23Hey, first let me start by saying, again I’m not trying to preach to you or anything; and never am I here to judge you. Only God can stand in judgment of someone. Now, I need you to remember that I get a little scatter brained when I have a lot on my mind so this letter may skip around but I mean all of this sincerely. My whole purpose in writing you or even calling you today was because after talking to you, you were heavy on my mind and heart. Like I said on your page, “regardless of time and circumstance I will be here for you. “ I can honestly say that I may not have been your first love but you were definitely mine. I have and always will hold a place for you in my heart and to see you feeling like this is hurting my heart In just talking to you and giving you a hug I could feel the uneasy spirits coming off of you. Now please believe that I am going to talk to you straight forward and without sugar coating things. I feel that we‘ve known each other long enough and been through enough together that we can speak freely with each other and without inhibitions. At this point you may read this and get mad at me or you may read this and understand that I care about you and I want nothing but good and peace for your life. Either way, my heart is in the process of healing for you and I will pray for your inner peace daily.

Again, I don’t agree with what you are doing and I don’t believe that is what God has for your life. I’m not sure how much of God you believe in but I do know you believe something. Now, you made the comment that you are broke, lost everything and now you’re back at home at 34 living with your Mom. First of all, it wasn’t yours to have it was Gods and be glad you had your Mom to go back to. And never say you are broke. You are to call those things that are not as though they were. Therefore you are never broke but always abounding in riches, thus you are a millionaire. Secondly, stop speaking negative things over your life. You need to STOP with your personal pity party being a victim and be a victor; claim your crown rightfully. I’ll give you another week to walk around sad and upset about your disposition but you should never claim that as the ending for your circumstance. Tyler Perry said in one of his plays that: “You can’t move forward if you are always looking back. Go forward and claim what is yours” Sure you need to remember your past because it makes you a stronger person as you go forward but don’t dwell on your past experiences because they will hinder you from the purpose and the prosperity you need to come into.

You know, I was at a point in my life not the same as yours but in some ways very close. I was doing things sexually that were not right. I lost my child and started doing illegal things. From that I lost my house, my car, my truck and my dignity at one point. I could have easily went to jail and been locked up at this very moment because of the things I was doing. It got so bad for me that one day I came to the point in my life that I felt there was nothing else I could do and nowhere for me to go; all I could do was sit and cry. I turned my life over to God that very day and have not looked back. Since that day, I have a man that loves me and treats me like a Queen. I have two jobs that are going very well, a successful editing and proofreading company. I’m about to go into a company with one of my girlfriends where I will be publishing a book. I’m healthy and can’t complain about where I am in my life because I know God has a bigger plan for my life. True, I’m not where I thought I would be at 32 but I am blessed and highly favored and grateful that God saved me from myself. Now, I said all that to say, I believe God has something better for your life than where you are right now. Doors are there waiting for you to open them, you just have to be willing to accept what they have to offer. God knows the issues of your heart, he just wants you to speak them a loud so you understand the desires of your heart. You said you didn’t get the police position right? Did you go to the any other close cities to see if you could get one there? Have you looked into being a Correctional Officer? Have you looked into doing the CDL class to where you could be home on the weekends for your son’s games? I mean really isn’t that the reason you came home, to raise and be there for your son? So because of one job you didn’t receive you just stop and claim that nothing will go your way? That is a stepping stone; maybe you are not meant to be at that job. So you just stop and start blaming everything else for your disposition? NO!!! You keep trying until you get it right. The person I know is a hustler. If he couldn’t get it one way he would try all other sensible possibilities; what happened to him? When I say you are settling, I mean you are settling into the thought that this service is all you can do right now.

Now you said that you were making all that money and doing real good for yourself. Have you ever stopped to think that God took that away from you because you weren’t doing what you were supposed to do with it? Isaiah 60 explains that God will snatch the wealth of sinners. I have found that there are two main reasons why we go through difficult seasons in our lives:

1. We are doing something wrong

2. We are doing something right

Sometimes things go wrong because we do wrong things. We’ve been neglectful. We haven’t been taking care of business. We’ve been stupid or irresponsible. We’ve made unwise decisions. We’ve been disobedient. Sometimes it’s not that we’ve necessarily done something wrong; it’s just that we haven’t been doing enough of what we should be doing to avoid problems. If we are going through difficult situations that are not caused by our own disobedience or neglect, we can know that God has allowed these trials in order to work a greater purpose in us. They will test our faith, patience, and love. And the way to get through them successfully is to stand strong in the midst of whatever is going wrong. Look for the positive in your situations instead of the negative. Times of trial are full of suffering, trouble, distress, affliction, misery, or pain. During these times we are supposed to “count it all joy” because “the testing of your faith produces patience” (James 1:2-3)

Since you’ve been back have you been doing things to get you in a positive position for your son and daughters? I mean really, what type of example are you setting for your son? You are his direct and indirect role model. You say that he needs to learn from your past experiences but what exactly is he learning from his father starting that type of service? And I’m being nice calling it a service. Again, you say that this is a business but from what I got from talking to you earlier, you are basically selling yourself for money. “According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and Godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue” (2 Peter 1:1) When we came into this world as black people we came as Gods and Goddess,’ have you forgotten this? Cleanliness is next to Godliness and you were made in his image, so what exactly are you saying about yourself? Do you not have any morals? These are not statements, these are questions I want you to ask and answer yourself. Read 1 Timothy chapter 4, these are the instructions for Godly living. Search for your purpose here on earth, your true purpose. You have authority over your situations; demand your respect within your inner being. Every hard trial is a stepping stone to develop a better you.

Have you also stopped to think that your current disposition could be because of your environment? The people you surround yourself with also have an effect on your life. Who you are connected to has to do with what happens to you. Is the company you keep giving you negative thoughts? You need to surround yourself with positive people who are doing positive things. Get away from negative thinkers and negative actions. When you add a negative to a negative you get negative. When you add a positive to a positive you get a positive. When you add a negative to a positive you have a better chance of coming out positive than negative. Do you really feel that by living the way you are you will prosper? I’ll answer it for you, NO!!

Again, I have been there done that. A friend of mine has been there done that. Until we both stopped dealing with those people and surrounded ourselves with positive influences, we did not prosper. We have lost cars, houses, furniture and friends. Once I changed my life, everything became positive and has been. Again, I’m not saying you need to get into God but I am saying that you need to recognize from whence cometh your help. At the minimum recognize him and what he has done for you and what he can do for you. You may not want to hear this but that is not what I’m here for. I’m here to tell you that this is what you NEED to hear. Aren’t you tired of messing up time after time after time? There are some things in your life that are not pleasing to God as well as yourself or you wouldn‘t be feeling the way you are. Aren’t you tired of everyday at the same time it’s the same thing?

Answer me this, if something was to happen to your Mom, or your sisters right now, would any of the people in your current circle really be there for you? If you were to become paralyzed today would any of those people truly be there for you? Could you really sit on the front pew of one of their funerals and truly know that one of those people would really be there to help and comfort you? I have learned over the years that not everyone is your friend and not everyone is in your life to be a friend. It is QUALITY not QUANTITY. Then Jesus gave the following illustration: What good is it for one blind man to lead another? The first one will fall into a ditch and pull the other down also. The devil loves to put people together that will rehearse failures, negativity, bad decisions and sinful communications over and over again. You see when you error the enemy wants you to discuss it with a fool. When you are in trouble or doing the fool, the devil wants you to surround yourself with foolish friends. Why? Because you talk about your stupidity to them and they will tell you how stupid they are and both of you will fall into a ditch. It’s like a foolish counselor; you can’t hear the right thing because you are always surrounded by the wrong thing. Get off your island of misfit friends and allow God to bring people of PURPOSE into your life; people that will challenge you to be better. I know it is going to be hard and you will be resistant but know to let go and let God and he will work in your life in ways you never thought possible. Why am I here at this moment and at this time in your life? I had ways of getting a hold of your Mom or Chelly.

I could have had any one of my family members stop by and get your Moms information as well as yours. Why did I run into your step-dad and your sister? Stop and meditate on this for a moment. Everything happens for a reason BUT until you want to change, everything you think about doing will fail. Yes, I got that from the Color Purple, but it is because it’s true. God has something better planned for your life and I refuse to let you pass it by. He is preparing you for what he has planned; all you need to do is be obedient to his will and his way. We can be encouraged by others, but we can’t depend on that to get us through. What you are looking for has to start within you. When you become prideful, your heart is full of you and not of God. You focus on you and not him. You want your timing and not His. You want it now and not later. You go through difficult times in order to break you of your pride and thinking that you can make it through life on your own. Because there is a time for everything, there will be a time when what you are going through will end. We can’t force Gods timing to be any different than what he wills it to be.

Basically, I said all this to say: if you don’t stop, look inside yourself, look inside to your inner being and understand what is going on with you, your current situation will not change. Nothing will move in your life until you remove yourself from that negative environment and get yourself together. Take time out to find your purpose in life. You need to have total peace about who you are, what you are doing, and where you are going in your life. You need peace about your past, present and future. You need to have peace about the circumstances you are in no matter what they are. The lack of such peace in your heart and mind can make you miserable. The strife, torment, anxiety and stress can make you sick. When people and things begin to disturb your inner peace it is time to let them and it go. Again, I love you from the bottom of my heart and will be here for you whenever you need to talk, vent, cry, holler or turn your life over. If you ever need anything, I’ll be right here. When you need anything…..J

“Friendship is born at that very moment when one person says to another: What you too; thought I was the only one”

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