Holding on to ‘Something’

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I am holding on to “something,” what that something maybe I do not know.

However, I feel its tension in my daily affairs and my frustration

It grows with the mental constipation

My transformation may not begin until I discover

why and what “something” does to my mind

I hunger for a change from my old life

***

Am I afraid of “something”?  How do you discover fear hidden deep inside?

Well, at least I noticed my dilemma, unlike my previous life of denial

I faced nothing truthfully; however, this “something” is real

Something may be “expectations” Yes! Expectations

The dreaded process of what may happen scares me

Expectations from family, friends, and life

Conversely, I feel frustrated, it drains my spirit

And circumvents my growth, I hate to be honest

*****

Are we ever in the “moment”?  When we have expectations?

How does one accept the moment with expectations flooding the soul?

Do we not anticipate life?  Set goals? I feel lost without expectations

and stuck with them.  Expectations frustrate my psyche and I expect

one day they will not. (You see, there I go again)

Hopefully, I rid myself of my dreaded expectations,

So, I live in the moment.

Consequently, able to accept whatever happens will feel great,

Until then; I “expect” nothing, however “something” is out there.

The Invisible Dragon

Tao Verse 20 Mental Scrabble

Tao Verse 20

Stop thinking and your problems will end.
What difference between yes and no?
What difference between success and failure?
Must you value what others value,
and fear what others fear?
How ridiculous!
 
In spring, some go to the park and climb the terrace,
but I alone am drifting, not knowing where I am.
I alone don’t care,
I alone am expressionless,
like a newborn baby before it has learned to smile.
Other people have more than they need,
I alone possess nothing.
Mine is indeed the mind of an ignoramus
in its unadulterated simplicity.
I am but a guest in this world.
While others rush about to get things done,
I accept what is offered.
I alone seem foolish,
earning little, spending less.
 
Others strive for fame,
I avoid the limelight.
Other people have a purpose;
I alone don’t know.
Indeed, I seem like an idiot;
no mind, no worries.
 
I drift like a wave on the ocean.
I blow as aimless as the wind.
 
All men settle down into their grooves;
I alone am stubborn and remain outside.
But wherein I am most different from others is
in knowing to take sustenance from the great Mother.
*****
This is the longest verse in the Tao.  I usually open the Tao and a page appears.  This page appeared early morning.  I suggest a partial reading of the verse provides enough (1st paragraph).
“Stop thinking and your problems will end.
What difference between yes and no?
What difference between success and failure?
Must you value what others value,
and fear what others fear?
How ridiculous!”

I exist in this state at times.  Thinking myself into confusion and disbelief at life.  Wondering aloud on perceivable woes.  The strain bends like a rubber band and snaps me back and forth.  Yet, I challenge the torture albeit with exercise and friendship.  This quickly places my harmonious spirit back in step.  Why worry about the unseen or the unrealized?  Well, fear, social comparison, or ego would suffice.  For myself, I acknowledge immediately and work away.  Against digging a deeper hole.  I realize instability comes and goes.

Tao does not teach perfection

Its only message to let go.

what one imagines they control

is a slave to worldly thoughts.

one go here and there

never stable in mind or soul.

Looking only for guarantees

blaming others what they

do to themselves

External blame shields fear of being oneself.  In this ill-perceived loneliness helplessness reign supreme.  This is not the message of the Tao. One should have fellowship on a rock or a crowded concert.  It is the fear of being alone that kill living souls.  We’re afraid of the unknown and cry into pain and death.  Allow yourself to feel such ridiculousness and brush aside.  View peace and instability as the same.  They come and go, learn to live in Tao.  We cannot control anything, not even our breathing.

 

The Invisible Dragon

A Stranger Walking

Stranger in the night

Am I Back?

Yes I am but I was never gone.  you see I can never leave…I must finish what has begun.  What is that you say?  I’m not sure but I believe it has a hold on me…I believe my writing has become better beyond my imagination.   Although my words are simple from  a simple man…I write with some sort of flair….I would say.

Each day I stare beyond the clouds for hope.  What do you say?  Yes Hope, I’m not sure if its needed…but I look for it.  Sometimes its dark and menacing…but I’m not afraid.  I live in my reality and that can’t be that scary.  Or maybe it is…just suppose you find yourself along, waiting for the bus…but it never comes.  What is there left to do…?

Never mind the babble, I have a quest today.  What is it you say?  I think I’ll walk among the universe.  What shoes will I wear, I’m not sure.  But I think my blue or pink will be fine…my eyes will not leave the ground I walk upon….my head heavy with worry.  But this walk is my stroll crafted by my realities and dreams.

Am I back?  I never left.

The Invisible Dragon

Tao 44: The Imitation of Life

testing

Fame or integrity: which is more important?

Money or happiness: which is more valuable?

Success or failure: which is more destructive?

****

If you look to others for fulfillment,

you will never truly be fulfilled.

If your happiness depends on money,

you will never be happy with yourself.

****

Be content with what you have;

rejoice in the way things are.

When you realize there is nothing lacking,

the whole world belongs to you.

Translation Stephen Mitchell

“The Way has no beginning and ending and thus it provides everything and yet nothing.

I had a conversation with a Sage yesterday, although a Christian Sage, an astute individual nonetheless. The conversation invited an overview of the suffused melodies the pen has put forth on Taoism. Although a master of the sword (i.e. pen), I am just an infant to the Tao. Therefore, the Tao support neither the winner or loser, it does not recognize the failure or a success. The Way does not recognize ceremonial piousness or devotions provided to the altar. This is folly…The Tao is endless with no beginning, nothing more or less.

One who needs a mirror sees an imitation of life.”

The Invisible Dragon

 

Farewell (For Now) Dr. Omer Avci

Omer flower (friend (fr nd). n. 1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts you. 2. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle …(3) “a person who’ll do things for you when it’s of inconvenience to them” (Rod Davis).

I have developed a term that signifies my conceptualization of friendship: Uncomfortable Sacrifice. This is just one tenet of friendship, however, I have found it to be the soundest tool to measure how it works. As such, camaraderie is risking your personal comfort zone for another. I’m not talking about fake charity. Keep the transparent, “I know you could do it” or the proverbial ‘tough love’ b.s. to yourself. These and other statements need works to mean anything of value at least in friendship.  With that said, I have a short list of friends.

Omer Avci is a friend. I met him a few years ago when I joined the College Learning Enhancement Program (CLEP) as a reading instructor at Northern Illinois University (NIU). I sat in on his classes as I was trying to see how not to screw up my students. I modeled my early teaching after him and Dr. Armstrong. Unfortunately and fortunately, this past spring he completed his doctorate degree and is heading back with his family to his home country (Turkey) after eight years in the U.S. By the way, without Omer’s support and others my comp exam could have been harder.

Omer always had time, always. He never passed me on to someone else, not once. This cat defended his dissertation while helping me with my comp exam. My friend Rod Davis is like that and so am I. If you’re our friend, we will not let you down, not once. We’ll give to you and forgo our own agency under many circumstances. Omer did the same with no excuses, no b.s. he just said…What do you need?”

I will miss him dearly…

My friend, Dr. Omer Avci

The Invisible Dragon